Absurdities From the Bible

Absurdities From the Bible

“Word of the Lord”

When you’re in church you’ll regularly hear about how the Bible is “perfect”, and that the books that were chosen to be included were “divinely inspired”. Meanwhile, the church left out numerous books that even are referenced in the canon in some cases, and many of these books help to make sense of the stories that were included.

It’s easier to believe that the Bible is divinely inspired and without error if you never actually read the thing.

So why don’t we take a look at some of the verses that were deemed to be “divine”, but either aren’t talked about or are quickly moved past without much explanation?

23 some24

That’s right, some young kids are making fun of Elisha for being bald, so God in his infinite wisdom and love for all of his children, sends two bears to kill them.

Let’s try to wrap our minds around how an omniscient, omnipotent being who created all of creation would for one take the time to intervene like this for one person being pestered by children…but then also react in such a brutal way.

I guarantee there were situations going on at that moment that warranted divine intervention more than this.

I guess the lesson here is don’t taunt a bald prophet of God, and if you do carry a large can of bear mace?

20 21 him22

Here we see God using some form of evil spirit to cause these prophets to lie to their king. All so God can cause the king to lose a battle. This story if ever used in a sermon in church is undoubtedly framed as God being able to use even something evil to fulfill his prophecies.

The bigger question here is what does it say about God? Why would an all-good, all-powerful God use, or even need to use, an evil spirit? Also, why was an evil spirit able to come and “stand” directly in front of God?

Then why would God get directly involved, use this evil spirit to trick a king, and ultimately cause his death as well as the deaths of numerous Israelites?

This isn’t the only instance though in the Bible where we see God doing something deceitful against his creation. For Jews, who see God as both good and evil this is one thing, but for Christians…it can be a bit hard to wrap their heads around.

God works in mysterious ways. Including condoning lying it seems?

20 Thirty and two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years, and departed without being desired. Howbeit they buried him in the city of David, but not in the sepulchres of the kings.-2 Chronicles 21:20 KJV

22

2 Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign, and he reigned one year in Jerusalem. His mother’s name also was Athaliah the daughter of Omri.-2 Chronicles 22:1–2 KJV

Somehow Ahaziah, the youngest son, was 2 years older than his father when his father the king died. Or did the throne sit empty for 18–20 years? Seems like they would’ve included that in the text if that were the case. Was a time machine involved? Did the son come back from the future to assume the throne as a middle-aged man?

Ultimately this is just a fuckup, with versions like the NASB stating his age as 22, but for KJV purists, like most of the Evangelicals in the southern U.S., this should raise some eyebrows.

The Lord works in mysterious ways indeed!

Bad things only happen to bad people, so if something bad happens to you or anyone you know of they must just not have been righteous enough I guess?

allegiance

The God of the Old Testament often is extremely narcissistic but swearing on yourself takes it up a notch!

4 5 6 daysbut7 8

Laying on your side for over a year, then the other side for more than a month. Was this guy actually hearing from God or did he just have extremely bad obsessive compulsive disorder?

Either way, it’s a great way to get some bedsores!

9 But Michael the archangel, when he disputed with the devil and argued about the body of Moses, did not dare pronounce against him an abusive judgment, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!”-Jude 9

Why would Michael care about the body of Moses? Why was there a dispute? Some would likely try to argue that it is because Moses had committed murder while alive, and that this event occurred prior to Jesus giving an option for salvation, possibly.

But Moses was a Jew, so could abide by the Old Law, and since he authored the majority of the Old Testament he seemed to for sure be favored by God, I mean he even talked to him through a burning bush.

In which case why did the devil have any claim to him at all, and why did God need to send an angel to deal with this situation… ultimately why did it matter what happened to his corpse?

Jews believe that in the end times, people will be physically resurrected and given new bodies, and many Christians adopt this belief as well. This is why they believe in being buried rather than cremated, and they even want their bodies with their feet facing east to face where Jesus will return in the sky.

I guess he’ll arrive throughout a 24-hour period though to allow everyone to see him arriving in the eastern sky. Not sure the Bible doesn’t line that out.

Ultimately though why would his corpse be necessary? Where’s his soul at? What if your body has been destroyed already, like if you were eaten by 2 bears that God sent after you for pestering a bald dude?

We shouldn’t question any of these too much though, since they were all divinely inspired right?