Absurdities From the Bible #2
“Word of the Lord”
Absurdities From the Bible #2
“Word of the Lord”
I had fun analyzing verses in the last article like this one, and there are so many more to take a look at. So let’s dive right in!
24 25 26 You are
24 And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him.
25 Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
26 So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.-Exodus 4:24–26-KJV
I decided to list this one in both KJV and NASB translations to hopefully make more sense of it, but alas…nope, it still doesn’t make any sense.
So why, and how, did God “meet” Moses on the way to the inn taking on a seemingly physical form, yet later he has to appear as a burning bush that Moses can’t even really look at fully? I’m sure Moses wasn’t planning to get jumped by God on the way to get a good night’s rest.
Thanks to some quick thinking by his wife, knowing that the “Lord” has a fetish for male genital mutilation she decides to carve up their kid real quick and get some blood on Moses’s feet so that the “Lord” would back off….The lesson we obtain from this divinely inspired story?
Yeah me neither…
Just some nonsensical wild shit.
20 And God came unto Balaam at night, and said unto him, If the men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them; but yet the word which I shall say unto thee, that shalt thou do.
21 And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.
22 And God’s anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the Lord stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him.
23 And the ass saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
24 But the angel of the Lord stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side.
25 And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
26 And the angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
27 And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
28 And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.
31 Then the Lord opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
32 And the angel of the Lord said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me:
33 And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.
34 And Balaam said unto the angel of the Lord, I have sinned; for I knew not that thou stoodest in the way against me: now therefore, if it displease thee, I will get me back again.
35 And the angel of the Lord said unto Balaam, Go with the men: but only the word that I shall speak unto thee, that thou shalt speak. So Balaam went with the princes of Balak.-Numbers 22:20–35
Balaam had been talking to God the night before, directly…so why the need to make a donkey speak, and why send an angel to block the path that Balaam couldn’t see to prove some point? I guess God just wanted to mess with him for a while before still getting his way. Lesson learned?
14 And the Lord repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.-Exodus 32:14 KJV
This one goes along nicely with the last two. Here is God, repenting to himself for the evil he was thinking about doing to his chosen people. A different kind of evil than that which he does to all of his non-chosen people, which usually just includes wholesale genocide.
Let that sink in for a second. The all-good, loving God had to catch himself and even felt he needed to repent for how pissed off he was, to himself, that he was about to do some real nasty shit to them. Amazing!
8 God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.-Numbers 24:8
If you weren’t intimidated yet by the invisible angels, and his fetish for foreskins, then you should be by his unicorn strength!
37 And as for the perfume which thou shalt make, ye shall not make to yourselves according to the composition thereof: it shall be unto thee holy for the Lord.
38 Whosoever shall make like unto that, to smell thereto, shall even be cut off from his people.-Exodus 30:37–38 KJV
Of all of the ways to incur the Lord’s wrath, most Christians likely never think about the composition of their perfumes, but maybe you should, the Lord doesn’t want anyone else smelling like him!
Remember that all of the above verses were holy inspired, and chosen by the church to be included while numerous scriptures were excluded. Also keep in mind that a huge portion of the Christians in the U.S. rely on the KJV translation, and believe in a literal interpretation of it.
“The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. –Mark Twain”
― Mark Twain